i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize