If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize