Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
