WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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