maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
