I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize