Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
