If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize