i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
