So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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