I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
