I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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