Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize