She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize