Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
