i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
