can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
