I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just googled if crying burns calories
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
