he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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