this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize