Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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