My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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