Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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