His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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