i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
