I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize