i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
