he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
