i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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