I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
