I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize