he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
