my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It's Friday. Sex?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
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