You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
