White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
foreskin is a definite game changer
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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