This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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