Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Randomize
