What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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