Do you still have your period?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
