is wine microwaveable?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
