does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
