Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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