Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Randomize
