i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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