My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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