i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
