his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
