My sheets look like a crime scene.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
