You smell like a Billy Joel song
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
