even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
