Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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