There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
