Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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