Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My ass is underappreciated
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
