It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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