Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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