I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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