Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
