Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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