I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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