So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
