It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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