how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
