my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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