Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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