I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
