I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
