I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
